It is such a privilege for me to have you back on Unbroken a second time.
Our first interview was a little short because we both had limited time.
So I'm really glad that you can come back because, you know, as I was, we were just
talking about a minute ago.
When people understand the stories of SRA survivors, they will be able to understand
the world and how it operates.
So, you know, all of our stories and experiences are so important.
And so I'm really grateful that you are willing to share.
And I know you share across multiple platforms, but it's really great to have you back here.
Thank you so much, Matt.
Say was, you know, I was really honored the first time that, you know, you got in
contact with me and we're like willing to have a chat with me and everything.
It's the advocacy work is a huge part of my healing.
But I was also really excited just because I've listened to a lot of your own story
and your own work.
And you just are very grounded and insightful and everything.
So I mean, it was an honor the first time.
And I'm really happy that I'm here a second time so that we can just continue the conversation.
Good.
So you've told a little bit about your story, but and I'm sure more will
come out today, but I wanted to kind of jump off on what you said last time.
Specifically, you gave this example that you were supposed to,
I think it was kill a dog and you didn't want to.
So then the perpetrators basically to punish you and imprint upon you
that you have to do what they say, they started to really torture the dog
in heinous and horrible ways.
And I think that's an important thing to kind of talk about because I think pretty
much all of us were forced to perpetrate and we didn't want to.
And sometimes people think, well, you could have just said no, but not really.
So maybe I know we've talked about a little before, but maybe kind of talk
about that for a little bit and what, you know, what that was like.
Yeah, so I mean, like most of like the ritual abuse and like
mind control type training, it's like it's definitely you lay foundations with
certain traumas and then, you know, kind of continue to like step it up as
you're really solidifying those dissociative parts that are like have
the mindset sort of the abilities that you are after.
So the event that I had mentioned last time.
And it's often a really common event for me to talk about in just in
interviews in general, because I think just like you're saying, like many
people have a hard time understanding how you can, you know, get to the point
where you're able to, you know, to perform these acts, you know, to
be to be a killer, essentially of like of innocent animals and human
beings and everything.
So, so yeah, so the, so the event that you had mentioned, and I had mentioned
before is essentially there were periods in my life where my mom was off
for training because she was in the military as well as my dad.
And my dad would have sole custody of me.
So there were certain periods in my life where essentially I was in
his custody solely, essentially, sometimes for weeks, you know, and in
this particular case, it was like a couple of months, essentially.
And, you know, for context for everyone, you know, we're talking about
like, you know, around six years old, basically.
So this is like a small child that we're talking about.
And essentially, like it was my dad would just hand me over to my
handlers, you know, it was a military man.
You don't mind me using names.
I don't know if I have before on your show.
Yeah, feel free.
Yeah.
Okay.
So Julius William Gates was the main handler that I had ever since I had
moved to Texas, but there was prior to that, when I was in Washington, DC,
there was a lot of preliminary training there to make me already kind of
like trauma bond or attached to him as like a romantic partner and as a
savior and all this stuff.
So he pretty much took on the bulk of my training from, from then out.
And this was a time period where I was essentially my dad
had handed me over to him.
And I, you know, for, you know, for several weeks, you know, I was
essentially in like a kennel location outside of the San Antonio area in
the little bit more rural area in Texas.
And that's kind of like where a lot of the training I had been
exposed to a lot of rituals in general where, you know, I hadn't
been forced to like a tandem and watch, you know, animals or people
sacrificed, I had had, you know, instances where they, you know, were
like my dad, for example, would have his hand over mine on a knife, you
know, and be killing an animal or a person or something.
And they, you know, convince you that, you know, you're part of the,
you know, that you, you did it, you did the killing, you know, even
though you had like no control over what was going on there.
So this next step of the training was essentially trying to get me to
have internal parts, you know, internal abuser allied parts that, you
know, were completely dehumanized themselves, but also for like, not to
have any empathy for whatever victim they chose to like put in front of me.
So the bulk of this training was from Gates and then a woman that I
always knew as who's like a young adult that I always knew as
Mistress Diana, basically, and she had kind of the same role in the
cult that I was being trained to, to embody, you know, so she was in ritual
spaces, kind of being a ritual whore in rituals, also doing more of like the
butchering and everything and the actual, you know, execution, sacrificing
at these rituals.
And I had been shadowing her as like part of the training that I
experienced while I was staying in the kennel.
There was also military training going on.
I always describe it to people that's almost like you picture how your day
would go when you were middle school, you know, where it's like different
periods of the day are dedicated to different things.
So it's like every day would kind of be split up into different, different
things I was learning.
Sometimes it was military and Wolfalter type training.
Sometimes it was just basic anatomy training where they would have,
they would have people and animals in like a more type setting in that veterinary
clinic that was in the kennel, essentially, where it would just be learning
kind of like the nuts and bolts, you know, but there's no killing going on.
You're just learning essentially anatomy and everything.
And then there would be parts of the day where I was with her, which was
all kind of, you know, she was part of, you know, kind of like that more
black mother sect, you know, part of the very, it's a very druidic oven.
It was all women typically that were involved in this training.
She herself, you know, was responsible for training me how to be,
you know, to step into her role, to do the butchering,
to do like the killing at rituals, et cetera.
And what she had experienced, you know, in that time frame basically was
that when we were trying, when they were trying to step up that training to where
I would then, I would be able to like have a part that of its own volition could
actually commit the act of like killing or sacrifice or something of perpetrating,
that there was a lot of, you know, there was a lot of holding back, you know,
there had never, I had never really been able to get to the point where
there was a part that completely could just wall off the pain that I was causing
or, you know, the reality of like what I was being involved in.
And there was a lot of reluctance, you know, there was a lot of kind of rebellion.
There was a lot of, you know, there was a lot of me that still was like
not interested at all in participating in this.
And she was having difficulty with that
because she was assigned to be teaching me these things.
So essentially she, you know, gave me a bad review with like with Gates,
essentially, to where she was explaining, you know,
that she hadn't been able to get me to like, you know,
have a part that fully switched and was able to commit these acts.
So Gates created this scenario, you know, I would assume where
they had brought me outside of the kennel.
There was like, you know, it was kind of a sparsely wooded area,
kind of a campground.
I remember there being like a picnic bench, for example.
And, you know, there was a lot of, you know,
humiliation and rewriting me and stuff like that for not being,
you know, not being useful enough, not being, you know,
not embodying, you know, living up to their expectations
and embodying, you know, the things I was supposed to do.
And basically he, you know, he had this dog in like a wire kennel.
And, you know, Mr. Steyena had the knife, you know,
they put the knife in my hand and it was just like, okay,
kill this dog, you know.
And on a certain level they knew that I wasn't going to
because at that point I had not been able to do that, you know.
So I, you know, I refuse, you know, I'm like crying,
I'm not interested in, you know, killing this perfectly innocent dog.
And so their next step basically was to, you know,
put lighter fluid on the dog and then set him on fire so that he was,
you know, like running around the clearing, screaming,
like a dog wood that's on fire and everything.
And, you know, just, you know, very shock and awe,
like a lot of these really imprinted training things are,
you know, where, you know, it's just your, you know,
completely breaks your heart, you know,
but it's also very, like a very, you know,
visceral and real experience, you know,
the trauma that you're witnessing and essentially, you know,
at a certain point, you know, the dog stopped running, you know,
and was like, was on its deathbed.
And at that point, you know, they put the knife back in my hand
and walked me over to the dog and essentially told me, kill the dog, you know.
So, and at this point, you know, it was,
the dog was going to die anyway.
But at this point, it's like, you know, you are,
you know, you're feeling like you're helping the dog in that case
because you're ending their suffering, you know.
And it's like, when you see how much a living being like that is suffering,
it's like, you just, you know, it's like at that point,
you know, it's like a God over whatever was holding me back, you know.
And, you know, I just, I killed the dog, you know, I slit his throat.
And, you know, stabbed him like I was trained to do, essentially.
And that like moment, you know, that was,
that it had the intended effect in my system that they wanted,
you know, which was essentially it's, you learn that there is no way out of
doing what they want you to do.
That essentially, if you resist,
you're not only making it worse for yourselves,
because of course they had been threatening me, you know,
they had been, you know, doing things to torture me or threatening me,
you know, with like, you know, deaths or loved ones or all kinds of stuff,
you know, trying to get me to like, to do that up until that point.
And it hadn't worked.
But at that point, you know, it was like a very real experience of being like,
okay, like if these people want someone dead or something dead in this case,
you know, like I can resist it as much as I want,
but it's not going to change the fact that this dog is going to be dead.
And is it going to be dead quickly and mercifully, you know,
or is it going to have, you know, am I going to resist and make,
you know, increase the pain, increase the torture,
but not change the outcome, basically.
Right.
Um, and so that was a very like pivotal like anchoring memory for me that,
you know, that my butcher parts that everyone,
you know, all these parts that were forced to perpetrate later on,
you know, kind of had at like their core, you know, where they were split off,
where they, you know, they, they were built on the foundation of this
understanding that, you know, if we are, you know,
we're directed to a victim and told that that victim had to die
in any, any way that they said, basically, that it was something
that we would obey without question.
Otherwise, the alternative was going to be much worse, essentially.
And, and that I do bring that, you know, it's like, like,
I show various levels of emotion when I'm talking about this stuff,
because I'm pretty dissociated from it, but, you know, it's,
it's certain things, you know, it is hard not to, you know,
not to get a little teary about and everything because for obvious reasons,
like, but also because it's like it was like a very, you know,
it's a lot of people I don't, I think don't realize like how
kids that are forced to perpetrate in these trafficking type situations
or these cults, you know, how trapped and powerless they feel.
And that's kind of why I bring it up a lot is to, is to show that it's like,
you know, put your six year old self into the shoes that I just talked
about, you know, to anyone out there and think of like, you know,
like, what, what would you come away from it with, you know, like,
it's like, it's, it's a very, you know, calculated by psychopathic people.
It's a very calculated scenario that's going to come,
force the victim to come to a certain outcome in their mind, you know.
And it's actually, it's using our love as a weapon against us, right?
Using our compassion and our, our ability to feel for other living beings,
which they don't have. And I mean, I can't tell you how many times
I was put in those situations. And it's always a choice like I remember once
in the underground facility that they had kidnapped a whole bunch of gypsies
from the streets of Rome and lined them up in this room was just a bare
concrete room with a drain hole, of course, and these hoses on the
wall, you know, to wash away all the blood and everything.
And I was given a gun and told I had to shoot this woman in the lineup.
She had a little girl, a daughter, obviously with her men and women.
And either I shoot her or they will shoot all of them.
And they were like, I don't know, 15 of them.
So what the hell kind of choice is that?
So I have to kill one or if I refuse, then 15 people will be killed.
So there's no, I would always be, and I was forced into many of these very specific
kind of choices. You either kill this one or we kill all of them or, you know,
and sometimes my younger sister would be used. You either, you know,
you either kill this stranger or we're gonna, you know, and I would say,
no, well, then we're gonna kill both, including your sister, you know.
So it's, that's a weaponization of our love. We don't want to harm.
And then given the choice to have 15 people die or one, I shot the woman.
And then the aftermath is you're a killer. You've done it, you know, and putting this
identity into us. And it's, honestly, I find the perpetration that I was forced to do the most
traumatic parts of what happened to me, the times I was, you know, gang raped or tortured in a
thousand different ways, pales in comparison to that. But again, that's a weaponization of love,
isn't it? Yeah. No, I mean, it really is. And I mean, I think ultimately, like they
are interested in having, having kids that are, you know, have gotten to a place where it's like
it's simpler, you know, and are on the path to themselves becoming like a psychopath or sociopath,
where, you know, they are able to just make the calculations early on where it's like, okay,
it's me or them. And, you know, I'm not really going to resist as much. But I think for the ones
that really, you know, become DID and get out of it was essentially, is because we do have such a
strong connection to our love and to our compassion and everything. And but that being said, they,
you know, once, once they know that's what they're dealing with, you know, it's like,
they know exactly the scenario, you know, like you said, it's like, well, if this kid is going
to maintain, you know, their feelings of empathy, their feelings of love, you know,
at all costs, then it's, you know, that's the only next solution for them, you know, is,
is, you know, either to kill us themselves, but they, they've already put a lot of time and effort
into, into training and making us assets for one reason or another, either for doing things or
for making money, etc. that, you know, they're, they're definitely going to try to, you know,
to have us do what they want by any means necessary. And yeah, it's like, I think,
I think for them, you know, love is just because they don't, they don't experience it themselves,
you know, really, it's just another tool, you know, it's a weakness to them, you know,
that they see, you know, that it's just another tool that they can use to, to essentially,
you know, force us manipulate us, you know, to, into being and doing exactly what they want,
you know, but I mean, that's also why I'm certain it's like the kind of thing that
they overlook when we do get out, you know, and why when not just us, you know, but
the world in general is waking up is because so much more people want to hold on to their humanity
and stuff and not a certain level is like when being forced to perpetrate, you know, is really,
you know, is really a protective measure that allows us to kind of like bide our time,
you know, until we are in the position where we can, where we do have some control,
you know, and some ability to, to get out, you know, and to heal and everything,
but I am 100% on the same page that I think the biggest boundaries to my own healing and
most survivors healing often is just, is the force perpetration, you know, it's,
it's a lot of grief that you have to go through when it comes to the things,
you know, and pain and everything that you have to go through when it comes to
processing all the things, you know, that happen to, to, you know, our own body and
psyche and everything, but I think it really is like, you know, it's the biggest hurdle
for most survivors and the biggest thing that keeps them in, you know, addiction or, you know,
suicidality and depression and everything is, is this inability to want to like look at the times
that we were forced to perpetrate, because it's like you said, it imprints that identity that
you are, you know, one of us, you know, that you're now a murderer, you're now, you know,
you're now like on the side of evil, not the side of good, you'll never be accepted on the
side of good because you have, you know, crossed that line and become the thing that you never
wanted to be and you'll never be accepted by the side of good. So for those parts, you know,
when we were talking about perpetrator parts or that is like, that's the, you know, the
attachment and the survival, you know, the survival kind of like logic or strategy that
they've had to come up with is, you know, that, you know, they see themselves as
loyal or part of the cult because they'll deep down feel like that shame and know that they'll
never get accepted, feel like they'll never get accepted or forgiven by, you know, the rest of the
world or good people or something, you know, it keeps you, keeps you very much stuck in those,
in those areas and keeps those areas walled off and also allows them to exploit those areas,
you know, so that they can use you for their dirty work, you know.
Yeah. And you know, and I think that's something I've thought about that a lot and I think that
these perpetrators, these cult people, they have, you know, occulted, which just means
hidden or secret knowledge about everything about us, our psychology, but also about how
things work, ethereally, you know, quantum physics, like, and all of this. And I believe that they
know about karma, they know about cause and effect, so they will use us, for example,
us survivors, but also the whole of humanity to do what you just said, their dirty work,
right? So that's part of them escaping responsibility for that. And so you mentioned
training, right? And so I just want to point out, it takes a lot of training to turn a normal
human child into, even still reluctantly and out of terror and fear, doing these atrocities,
right? And so that's something I think is important maybe to touch on. The amount of resources and time
and energy they invest in training all of us, and people may have heard about MKUltra or Monarch
programming, or Beta sex kitten programming, or Theta or Delta or all of these things.
And that's the whole point. They're using us to mold us into certain abilities and altars and people
that then we will do their bidding in this, that or the other arena, right? So you mentioned that you
were trained as a butcher, and just the word is kind of horrible, right? But the cult needs
butchers for what they do. And then I think if I remember correctly, you may have also been groomed,
and it sounds like from the Diana person, to be also a mother of darkness, right?
Correct me if I'm wrong on that. But maybe for people who kind of don't understand this,
like, talk about how you've been trained and like what your roles were within the cult.
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So like anything like I started off with you know it's like there's like a progression almost
like a formula it feels like that they have you know it's scientific yeah yeah every scientific yeah
yeah I mean they've been doing it for generations you know and then you know you bring in all the
knowledge that came from the concentration camps in mangala and the Nazis you know it became
something that like had you know it's like somebody can write a textbook on you know where
that it was you know understanding developmental ages understanding you know personality types
understanding all these different things you know so I mean so much of it really is about
not just the torture you know it is about the trauma bonding you know it's about you know
how Stockholm syndrome works all these things work to essentially normalize really horrible evil
behavior and make people loyal or you know feel attached to or loved by very abusive people
um so I mean for for me I don't know and you're gonna have to remind me if I've talked about any of
these things on uh maybe America like I think it's fine I think it's fine to repeat it and what you
just said I want to highlight something you said they weaponize attachment as well as love because
attachment is the most important human need we have and so you're absolutely right they use
trauma love trauma love so they create a trauma bonding but because we need that attachment we
will attach to the perpetrator so I just thought that was brilliant what you just said yeah well
it's true I mean it's like if you're anyone puts themselves in the space of a small child
especially like an infant or a father or something like you you see adults as you know the
people you rely on you know for your emotional needs your physical needs you know your your survival
you know the the the opposite of attachment is abandonment and the idea of abandonment for any
you know small child means death you know it's like our brains are the same as they were
when we lived in caves you know like it's like it's like am I going to be just left alone in
the forest to be like picked off by wild animals or I'm going to do whatever I can to stay with
whatever this group of adults is that I'm around essentially so you know the foundational stuff
for me when it comes to really you know comes to the Black mother training and was foundational for
like the butcher training and all of that stuff you know it came back to kind of like the same
initial memories which was which was the ritual for me that happened in Washington DC before
we had moved to Texas so and that was essentially you know it was a it's it's what laid the foundation
for me being I guess considered part of like the mother of darkness you know kind of coven
basically and having a part of myself you know that from toddler age like two and a half three
years old had already identified you know these people are the group that I belong with you know
and and for me you know for with that ritual it was essentially you know my my mom wasn't around
you know it was my dad watching me and he handed me over to to these older women essentially
that took me by car to someplace you know we passed by things that were recognizable
kind of Capitol Hill looking I'm not sure exactly which building it was it was like a very official
looking building with columns and stuff like that that we essentially ended up going underneath you
know so this was like a subterranean chamber essentially and they were you know at that
point they were you know full-on was like black robes and everything so I was with all women
um and you know still wonder if I was like drugs some too because it was very common for me to
experience you know throughout the training that you know hallucinogens or different things you
know were you know sedatives all kinds of things are like you know they use all of it basically
to also alter your mind state in addition to the trauma and like you know the trauma bonding
all of that stuff um but it was essentially you know going down through stairs and you know
and tunnels to where we were in this massive underground chamber and it was there was it looked
like something out of like ancient battle on or something you know it was like almost like
sand stony looking lots of columns like it's hard for me to describe how huge you know this
this chamber was it was a really really large really large area and at one one end of it was
like a dais that had a um a seated like bullheaded you know god type figure um and it was like kind
of like a stage other end of it was like a smaller dais that had like a sarcophagus um and some seats
next to it was it was pretty far away because once people filed in there was you know I don't
it's when you're a toddler it's hard to conceptualize this stuff you know but it was a lot of
people you know it was like at least a hundred people you know that were also black row that were
there to file in but essentially I was brought to the stage um you know the dais whatever you want
to call it you know it had an altar essentially a stone altar in front of this just bullheaded
deity um and they you know once everyone else had arrived that was not on the stage it was just
there to witness um it was essentially them uh and I don't know why like one of the things that
stands out to me is that it was just people it was people men women people of all ages that were
here to like to basically witness this ritual yeah I particularly remember you know at many of the
rituals you know they're even being people that were elderly enough you know to be like a
wheelchair so it's not like that you know which to me I don't know why it's just a detail that
stands out um but in any case you know torchlight very you know like lots of um I don't know I feel
like they put a lot of like effort into the look you know of of these rituals in the setting
essentially um and essentially they uh you know I was seated on a chair um off to I guess if you're
facing the stage off to the right um of of the uh of the altar and you know one of the
black mothers that had been with me you know she goes out and basically is announcing to this
crowd of people that they're all here for me basically you know that they're here to witness
like and inducting basically of me into all of this you know into this order this cult whatever um
I wasn't paying a kind of attention and alive it doesn't really make sense to me that being
like a toddler but it was very clear that that they were she was saying you know this full
ritual everything that was about who performed was for for me and for um you know I don't know
so in any case you know it's like uh after she finished her like introduction whatever the
crap she was saying um you know they brought me over to the altar um and essentially like
like raped me with this like golden phallus like it was like a small gold penis basically
and you know pretty much you know was saying that it was was representative of like the gods
you know phallus and then uh they essentially like left it in me sorry this is very graphic but I guess
you know this is kind of stuff that I I do try and share my testimony just so people can actually
have like you know we don't talk in general he's here you know at least I don't tend to talk
in general he's too much no it's good lay it all there there yeah so sorry you know but still
apologies to to the viewers I know this stuff can be secondhand traumatizing um and then they
essentially like use like gauze to like wrap me up like a mummy basically with this thing still in
still inside me um like I said I was a toddler at this point um and then they like removed once
I was all wrapped up you know they removed me from the altar and then sent me back on the
seat at the side of the stage and essentially after that um they brought in the the sacrifice victims
which was three little girls that were my same age essentially um and they brought in these like
brute type guys that were very like I don't even know like cone in the barbarian dress you know
very like loinclothi just whatever um large muscular guys um and they proceeded to like
basically gain rape one girl at a time you know until like and brutalize her until she had like
you know had died had passed away you know um on the altar and then they would um they would
pick up the body and they would put on the lap of the um of the bullheaded god essentially
and then they would bring out the next one and then you know rinse and rinse and repeat you know um
until they had you know three of these little girls bodies stacked on um on this you know the lap
of this god um essentially and there was like a small kind of like bull type construction that was
kind of collecting any blood that was dripping down um from them um and then you know a black
mother you know a black robed priestess type person went out you know and kind of concluded
the ritual uh essentially and everyone filed filed back out um so then we were alone again
in this in this room and at that point they you know they they picked me up and carried me to
the opposite end of the room where there was that dais with the sarcophagus in it um and one
of them brought essentially like a a little saucer little bowl of the blood from the altar
essentially um and then that sarcophagus had you know maybe like a couple feet of water
in it um and almost like some kind of like ropes draped against it um and so they basically
like stood me at the edge of that of that sarcophagus and then uh dripped some of the blood
in it and then like and then basically like pushed me in you know and I was completely bound so there
was no ability for me to like you know do anything other than you know just you know basically be on
the order of drowning um essentially and they used the ropes to kind of like quickly like
haul me back up before um I did drown and they just started like rapid fire asked me these
questions you know that didn't really make any sense to me and I was behaving like anyone would
imagine a toddler would in this situation where I was I was crying and sobbing and freaking out and
gasping for air and didn't answer any questions they were asking of me and then so then they would
proceed to like dunk me back back in essentially and it happened I don't know how many times you
know where like they pull me up you know before I drowned and then they would ask me these questions
and then you know I'm freaking out and then push me back in um and at a certain point essentially
like when they had pushed me back into the water there was like a moment of um
feeling like there was like there was almost like another another consciousness or something
like in in my body basically to where it's like I was in the water but I was completely still
I was not afraid you know and it was almost like my eyes just kind of like snapped open
and I just like glared you know I was just like out of like like how dare you type of
like type of feeling you know and that time when they when they pulled me out of the water
basically um can you hear my dog should I go get her now or yeah okay um she's she's in a
in her in her little little comfy spot right now so um but essentially that last time that they
pulled me out they started asking me questions and I was I was able to respond to them and they
you know they were happy about this essentially and they proceeded to like you know pull me
out of the water um they wrapped like a big kind of like fluffy blanket around me and there
was a chair off to the side of the sarcophagus as well um and they sat me on there they put like a
and this is kind of some stuff I've seen almost from like an outer body perspective you know is that
like you know my eyes were like white were like rolled back but it's like I wasn't blinking at all
so they would put this like wet kind of like rag or whatever because my eyes don't dry out I don't
know that speculation you know but in every ritual that I was performing that channeling
role from then on it was always the same scenario basically where it's like I would have my head
dunked in water mixed with blood um and it would create this switch essentially and then you know
I'd be seated on a throne they would you know wrap me in a blanket and put this like um white
dots I don't know blindfold over me and then ask ask some questions so let me ask you something
about that because I think that's a that's something isn't talked about a lot by survivors but
first of all I want to sort of um highlight the fact that the training in any kind of
training for us at first as children were screaming or crying we're freaking out
but they keep repeating the torture until we learn to stop stop doing that right and that's part of
for example the beta sex kitten training because pedophiles don't want children that are crying and
screaming to rape they want sexualized children that seem like they like it so part of the
training is to train out of us our natural responses of fear or distress or whatever
and make us kind of I don't know numb or like function as if this weren't a disturbing horrible
thing right so I want to point out that but then secondly what you're saying is you were tortured
to the point that some kind of dimensional thing happened where now you were able to
channel some entities through your vessel and it sounds like that was the intent they
so you have channeled before so talk a little bit about that because I'm well aware from my own
experiences underneath the Vatican I have seen portals I have seen entities come in I have
seen entities and have it bodies I have channeled myself so I don't usually talk about this because
what we do share is so like out there enough but let's go there because I think that that's really
that's interesting and important for people to understand yeah it's probably the area that
I have the most difficulty talking about in like the advocacy and stuff because I feel like
there's so much important knowledge there that I'm trying to get out just when it comes to the
trafficking or the ritual abuse or stuff that we start getting into these areas that require some
sort of like spiritual understanding or belief you know it's the kind of thing that to some people
can to them invalidate all of the rest of your testimony basically because it's something they
don't believe in or it's something that they feel like is way too fantastical and if this is
experience that seems like this person has had like obviously they're just crazy
none of the things they're saying happen so that's 100% you know yeah I tiptoe around it
especially on podcasts where it's like people are less familiar with this stuff because I just
want to really get out the information that you know can create some difference in the world
you know but ultimately yeah this is probably why I love being on your podcast and being able
to you know have these discussions you know with another survivor that's experienced these
things because you know I I still don't have all of the answers with stuff I just have my experiences
and I you know to me it's like sometimes the jury's still out a little bit like I pretty much come
down on these situations on the side of two things you know I feel like we as human beings
have a lot more abilities than people recognize that sometimes this stuff might not necessarily be
actually channeling an outside entity but can also maybe just be ourselves as you know the solution
part of survival you know tapping into the akashic records or other you know side type things
or you know alternatively you know that and that's where I'm honest that I'm still on the fence
about you know alternatively like yes there are these entities and this is these you know
psychopathic groups you know cult groups are looking to seek contact with them and
they've found you know these ways through traumatizing children to access these like
lower dimensional entities basically you know that you know that are drawn to the trauma
are drawn to this and they're you know willing to work with them through the cult members essentially
and the main reason that I I kind of come on more that side of it is that I've done a lot
of healing and I'm not I'm not done so any stretch of by any stretch of the imagination
but I mean I at this point you know many years and I've gotten you know pretty good at
understanding you know that pretty much all parts I've dealt with of myself you know evil
parts etc are parts of myself you know and they're like there's a way to heal them and to
to you know get through the amnesia and all of this kind of stuff except with the channeled
material you know that that is one thing that I've like I've always noticed is like that you
know yes I do I you know have communication with the parts that you know felt like they were
the channelers etc you know we've done a lot of a lot of healing but the amnesic barriers have
always stayed for like once you know the switch had happened and we were fully in that mode
you know like being able to like recall like I can with photographic detail other memories you
know recall like exactly what questions were asked and exactly what my answers were you know
and on a certain level I think a lot of it is because they were asking me things that you
my child self you know or even as an adult when I was in channeling you they were asking me things
that I would have no knowledge of for sure you know and just you know things that a lot of times
when I was adult too is like really petty stuff basically like most often the regular ritual
that was a part of once a year where this part was called out you know it would be people
asking questions about how to get ahead in business or how to get one over on like a
business or power rival or something you know someone you know something that seems to me very
like petty and materialistic for especially considering all the ritual stuff that goes into
getting these answers it's not like they were asking like the meaning of life
you know what I mean like so um so that's kind of where I do come on the side of
feeling like it's it is more like entity um you know interaction basically where almost they're
you know they're given access to you know your body you know and your consciousness for a certain
amount of time you know to to be able to respond to these things and I pretty much always feel like
with entity involvement that it's always founded on consent and that's a large part of this of
this torturing and the training and everything is because you have to get the child themselves
kind of like you know consenting to be the killer like we talked about in that other memory
you have to get the child themselves to the point where they're you know they're so afraid and so
in like singularly focused on self-preservation that they're willing to say yes and open
themselves up to this outside influence basically and then that's I think that's like the dual
part of the formula of this channeling type stuff is on one hand you have to put the victim
through enough to where their own psyche is willing to say yes and open the door and to this involvement
but then also it's like they themselves know that they have to you know perpetuate all these
horrible things in a ritual to even get the entity interested in being you know there to
like answer the call basically you know that that's like we're talking about not good entities
and we're talking about ones that you know love the pain love the horror and and the blood and all
of this kind of stuff and almost I to me almost feels like you know what you would do is like
sharks you know you throw gum in the water essentially know that you know you're going
to attract you know these these entities that you're seeking to be available so that when
the kid's psyche breaks or splits or whatever they're willing to be like you know like
if it means I'm going to survive like yes you can use my body for the time being so
I don't know if I answered your your question but I you know that's no it that's how it does
and I think it's important because see people don't understand they may understand the
governments and the you know global agencies and the involvements and the scientific part
but what they don't understand and you alluded to this with the coven is how important the black
magic aspect of all of this is to the cult and I have seen rituals where entities where people want
to be possessed by these entities and see a lot of these people like say some certain royals or
certain high people in positions of power it's very possible that some of these people
are no longer human in the sense that they're a human vessel but they're actually channelling
interdimensional demonic entities and this is why they can do things that are so inhuman
that people can't believe these things actually occur because they're not human and I don't know
okay this is just my own theory but when I was a kid I read a lot in order to survive
and I had I had a phase where I loved Greek mythology and my theory is that the so-called
bloodline families are what in Greek mythology you know they say the gods rape the human women
and produce the race of demigods well I think those bloodline families are so protective of
their bloodlines because they are those demigods they are these hybrids and perhaps more able to
invite entity possession just by the virtue of their genetics right so this is something that's
used a lot and occurs a lot and I think it's just important to mention I think the covens are
pretty high up in the hierarchy I think higher up than governments higher up than militaries
or global agencies and so this is a big part of all of this so I think it's really important to
mention you know and you know the Jesuits you know the the people in the Vatican all the sacrifices
I saw they were in homage to Lucifer Lucifer requires sacrifice all the time and according to
them it's so that he can come and you know save humanity with the light that he brings to the
world and all this kind of thing but this is one of the main reasons for sacrifice and bloodshed
which for example and on a collective level we have war those are big sacrificial rituals you know
vaccination is a big sacrifice ritual you know many many children are killed by this and and in the
latest few years a lot more people sacrifice of people for adults you know apparent sacrificing
their kids you know by yes yes it's it's just like and you're and with mohawk you know
this is an ancient cult they've been sacrificing children for a long time it just went underground
quite literally under the ground right and all these underground facilities but yeah so when you
were describing the bull effigy in in that ritual that's mohawk so in older in ancient times they
would have a bull like kind of bronze structure they would put a fire under it to heat it
up and they had a little door and they put a live baby in there to incinerate it and burn it up
right so these sacrifices have been going on for a long time and then the sacrifices the literal
rituals we've seen with children and animals and sometimes adult sacrifice are are hidden
but the other kinds of sacrifices are not hidden like how many people are killed in wars
how many people are killed by engineered scarcity and poverty and hunger and big pharma right and
big events like 9 11 or you know so there's satanic rituals happening collectively all the time and it
is about sacrifice and it is about you know these people they get their their their power is is
there is ends at ego so you know hollywood people have said on camera i sold my soul to the devil for
my fame you know so they they will their level is fame power money they can't go higher because
their service to self so it ends you know but this is one of their big things that they do
you know and and that's how these entities can exist in this realm yeah 100 you know and
to me to me it makes a lot of sense because i think it's a lot of like what you know yeah money is
great you know power through resource control and all this stuff is is great but i think ultimately
like what um you know what the cult you know over you know at this point you know a couple thousand
and years you know that you know and it's become more and more like kind of centralized in different
sectors of like the glow of like the globe you know working together essentially at at this
point um you know that really like the ultimate like what they understand or what they value as
like the the ultimate tool of power is the black magic stuff it is you know it is all of this it
is the thing that they feel like um gives them the upper hand in maintaining and concentrating
and perpetuating their their control over everything and their power um you know many people know
like you know mill ages or different shit like that like renaissance times i don't even know
that they were you know outlying you know astrology or sustain or all that kind of stuff you know but
that the the royals like a hundred percent always had like those people on staff you know um and that
it's it's to me it is a lot of like why they've been able to maintain so much control for so long
is is because they have access to knowledge and abilities that the rest of the world
doesn't essentially you know there's a lot of like you know alternative history or like you
know i don't even know i hate using the word conspiracy you know but those kind of podcasts
and stuff that are really exposing you know the psychopaths and the parasite class and how
how all of this you know stuff is like really molded humanity for a long period of time and they
there's a lot of times where they get into like gematria and like seeing you know the way certain
events line up with like um astrological aspects or you know numerology and using you know certain
numbers and all these crazies coincidences that they're like how is it that like a person you
know where people could even craft these events to have so much um synchronicity in them you
know and that's on a certain level why they have so much power you know with these especially with
these like worldwide rituals like war or false flag events and everything but i think what they're
missing is is this darker cult side of things yeah like you're saying you know that well these
people yeah they have all the money and all the power but ultimately they also have like
you know they're working with entities that are outside of time and space and have
all this knowledge essentially of like how to line things up and craft things in a way
that unless you were involved with it you would never you would never really conceptualize or
understand or anything so it's like it feels like oh there's no way that they could have
crafted all of these things to line up so perfectly and it's like yeah but if you are
working with you know entities that are outside you know of of our physical plane you know the
a lot of times that is what they they know and have access to is this uh you know a very
uh large-scale perspective and knowledge you know of many things that allows them to essentially
you know line things up in the right way to make them the most impactful and the most powerful
and to get the outcomes they want um that being said when we talk about these things
whenever i talk about these things i always like to um not give them too much power i guess
you know because because on a certain level like black magic is incredibly powerful but
it's still second to the power of good and creation you know um which is why i think they do
so much to try and stack things in their favor because they know that the trend in existence is
is to be moving towards progress to be moving towards good so they're trying to do whatever
they can to avoid their karma and to maintain their power and everything um and that's one
thing i do like to bring up a lot of times with people is like they're not all powerful if so
survivors like you and me wouldn't exist you know like like despite everything that they did
we got to a point at which we were able you know because we had maintained our connection with
like you know god creator good whatever someone wants to interpret it as you know that essentially
you know we were able to maintain that connection and that connection is part of what what was
able to despite everything they did and you know still get give us enough of um a lifeline
to pull ourselves out of it and and to heal and i see that with the world as a whole as well you
know that um i always give the example of like my hunter tracker training that i had that was
basically instilled in me goes back to the kennel also where um that was the soldier training
i had alluded to earlier and like the wolf training basically that um part of my training when i was
in the kennel was with two other boys and we were um supposed to be kind of like child soldiers
kind of like seeing ourselves as like a wolf pack type of thing and like learning how to like
perform military ops and work together and everything um but a lot of that training like
especially with like my wolf altars went into the hunter tracker training which was
essentially like laying the groundwork for parts of me that would you know for them it was you know
this fantasy you know that they still maintain you know that there's going to be a point at which
they can really pull the trigger and have like a totalitarian totalitarian state on the whole
world basically and that everyone will be their slaves you know they won't have to you know
do all this stuff in secret anymore that it's just going to be the point at which you know
that it's going to be hell on earth basically you know and everyone is going to be under their
control um and that basically all of that training was so that i could um i could be sent out you know
once they pulled the trigger you know once the black awakening happened once they pulled the
trigger and you know they were locking down cities and throwing people in concentration
camps and you know taking all the centers and executing them or put it you know locking
them up or stuff rounding them up that at that point you know they knew that there would be many
people that would be you know running to the hills you know running to the wilderness running
you know trying to flee the cities where their power is the most concentrated and trying to like
either you know problem i mean trying to establish something outside of that society but
this was really from for early on when you just had refugees basically like out you know
in the mountains essentially and i was trained to essentially be you know um directed to an
area where they would have determined that there's a refugee group excuse me um and what what i my goal
you know what my purpose was was that i would um i would track down the group and i would essentially
assess the size of the group if it was a small group you know like two three mostly less than
three people um then i was supposed to stay hidden out of sight and stalk them until you know i could
essentially at one point when they're asleep um going to kill them essentially um but if it was
a group that was larger than three people then i was supposed to get to the group and then i was
supposed to stumble into camp with like this like lame duck scenario where i was you know i was
freaking out acting like a completely just another refugee that you know had just stumbled
into them and was just looking for people to be with and everything um or to you know intentionally
hurt myself because it's like another thing you know to like so that i could be stumbling to camp
like you know with like this superficial injury you know to really get put on this like lame
duck act essentially and then um to assess the size of the group the the main thing for them was
that they wanted the adults dead if they were refugees because they already assumed that they're
not really usable um but if they were children they wanted the children brought back essentially
so my whole thing would be to spend whatever time i needed to infiltrate the group to understand
hierarchy of the group um use whatever i needed you know if it was you know if it was sexual
if it was becoming you know useful to the group as like um by like cooking or hunting or you know
just being like uh you know a leader in some fashion you know providing services to the group
so that people really trusted me um and then i would you know look for an opportune time to
do the exact same thing i'd said before you know an opportune time to basically you know have
everyone be asleep and to be in the role of just walking around and like splitting everyone's
all the adults' throats you know at night time um and then in the morning when the kids wake up
and see you know all of the parents dead and everything and are completely traumatized
themselves i'm the last you know i'm the last adult alive to basically be like all right kids
we've got to you know we've got to go to safety you know and to basically be you know in in the
role of you know having larger kids carrying babies or smaller kids and stuff like that and
and basically be like marching them back out of wherever they were at and to like a rendezvous
point um where they could all be picked up you know the kids could get you know could get
programmed essentially um and then i would be you know sent out to the next refugee group
you know and the reason i bring this up is because um like this programming for me
was supposed to um was supposed to come into effect when i was like 24 basically um right
around the time actually that i got i started getting sober and started healing and everything
like that but the initial program they put in when i was like you know six years old
was was that that was their timeline you know that by the time i was 24
that this would be a role that i would have for the cult later on once this section area was done
i had been picked to be part of like the hierarchy to be like a um i don't know they were going to
split the split the you know us up into really small parcels and have like a king and queen that
were overseeing it you know for the cult and so i had been chosen to be one of those people
that was just going to help you know rule our territory with like a chosen you know king type guy
that you know we rule with an iron fist and that you know by the time i was like 35 i would um
voluntarily be you know training my replacement queen and then like willingly go to sacrifice
which is something that many um you know and we'll have bred a couple of kids as well um prior
to that and which is something that's very common for like what i've come to understand with like
mother of darkness programming and stuff is that at a certain point you know you're supposed to
willingly go to the sacrifice once you're in adulthood at some point depending on
how where you are in the hierarchy i'd think deferments how old you're allowed to get to
but that essentially you know like i would be passing on my my power my tile etc um so but
the main reason i i bring it up you know sorry long winded tangent is just because like that's a
lot of times what i point out to people is that that was 13 years ago that this nwo takeover
at least in my program was supposed to happen um i'm 37 now so um to show that they have a lot of
goals and ideas about the point at which they're going to be able to be the ones that are all
powerful and in control and what i see consistently is like despite everything they're doing to the
world or to individuals like us you know that it the timeline that they're into cons consistently
gets pushed back you know it's like that that there is always this pushback you know from
you know things that they can't control you know which is just people just channeling
their inner goodness you know and and being good human beings and being connected to empathy
and compassion and god and everything that really um you know is you know there there is this other
force that is much more powerful you know and despite all the things they're doing you know
they haven't succeeded yet and my personal belief is you know it won't get worse before it gets
better but my personal belief is that it they're not going to succeed in the long run um but
you know so i know reason to brought up like i said is because it's very easy i think especially
people outside of this situation to be like oh my god like how can we have a hope you know if they
have this much wealth they have this much power they have this much control and they have black
magic you know like how how can we stand a chance you know but no that's yeah that's that's really
and i 100 agree and you know i talk about this a lot think of the amount of resources time energy
that they have put into mind controlling human beings you know whether it's through the use of trauma
collectively or individually whether it's you know poisoning our bodies with the
farmers and the poisoned food and air and water which then weakens the mind with the propaganda
that you get when you go to school and through the educational system and the media there's a
lot you know then not to mention the technology and the frequencies and the things they can pull
sat us that's a lot and then add the black magic that you just talked about right so that's a lot
to keep us in very reduced consciousness to keep us mind controlled but it is not
foolproof because here i am and here you are and we've been put through that and we broke out of
it and are speaking out right and no matter what they do they have to constantly do more and more
and more of it with people they have to reprogram us or try to you know so there so no we are by our
very essence way more powerful than them because they reach ego but we are connected to the creator
to the source to god to the life force right so they have also taught missed taught us taught
us you know that the whole Darwin theory of evolution you know oh we just come from animals
were no we are actually divine beings in a human body in a material world and when we recover that
ability that we naturally have to connect to that so just as much as they you were forced to
channel these negative entities we are connected to the benefit to the creator itself that's
you know an open doorway there so we absolutely that's what they're scared of that we will remember
who we are and the abilities that we have because once that happens they don't stand a chance the
whole way that they've operated is to use trauma and mind control us and abuse us and
keep us in survival with the economy with everything because survival if you look at
Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs you can't go achieve your potential if you're constantly in
survival if you don't have enough food or water or you know safety well because of the minute we
go beyond that that's the end for them so we absolutely are way more powerful they don't
want us to know that and they want to keep us on the survival hamster wheel precisely because
of that and I agree with you the timeline but I want I want to point out for people in case you
missed it with what you just said Kerry the forethought I mean they trained you to do this
where you would go out into the woods and find the people that knew better and escaped that
those you know those concentration camps also sometimes known as 15 minute cities today
way when you were a little kid they have been planning for this agenda for a long time it's
drip drip drip to get there but guess what it's failing with the whole COVID thing they you know
that's what it stands for certificate of vaccination ID and I believe they tried to
get us to repeat that word it's a coronavirus to repeat that word because it's it's a spell
like it they wanted to that to happen well that didn't happen they had to let go of that whole
program because didn't I mean it didn't really take and I think they're lying about how many
people took that thing right so everything they've tried to do was supposed to have been done
you know oh we're we're going to be in total digital currency and complete well yeah we are
being surveilled massively but we're not in those things yet and I believe me if they
could have done it we would be there it was supposed to have been done and I see the narrative
breaking down I see I don't see it succeeding but like you said it's pretty nasty you know all
these floods and fires and weather warfare that they do and you know they're doing really
nasty things but it's not going to work it's not going to work to do what they finally want
to do and ironically a lot of these events have actually woken more people up you know
so I'm very very optimistic as well and we are connected to that and I survived by being connected
to the being that's often called Jesus I call him Yeshua um I had I was always seeing him when
I was in the cages or you know in the in like in and out of consciousness or sometimes when I
was killed and left my body I would have conversations before I would come back and
that light is and that connection is what sustained me and I kept remembering oh I came here
you know we're we've been in a spiritual war and I think to me I in you know when you're of a
higher dimensional reality you know there's negative beings but there's beautiful positive
beings too you can't interfere in a planet that's undergoing you know this kind of spiritual war
but you can incarnate as a human and you can incarnate into the dark places where the enemy
is doing their thing like you did like I did and you can go through that experience and
then you can heal from it and come out the other end and expose it and that's what we're doing
and how many survivors there's 50 voices there's much more than 50 voices their survivors just
recovering their memories left right in center well that tells me right there it's game over
for them so I totally I just I share your optimism it's it's like there's a fine line we have to
know so that we can be defended against it like if you know about mind control you're less
susceptible to it right but at the same time there's a message of great hope and light because
I think we already won this spiritual war
I totally agree I mean I totally agree and like it hearing what you just said to me is like so
encouraging and heartening and and validating really because I you know we're talking about the
Lulu stuff this episode anyway which is nice to be able to just talk about it like plainly
and openly I mean not being like you know giving caveats and all this stuff you know hoping
not to like you know scare off you know the viewers that might not have as much understanding
of like spiritual matters I guess or as much faith but I mean people are they're getting there
just because the way you talk about you know that you were you know intentionally from like a an
outside your incarnation perspective that you were intentionally born behind enemy lines to
you know to almost be you know an infiltrator and everything because that's like that's you
know that's maybe the most woo part of my story that has been a huge part of my story my healing
and I've talked about a few times on podcasts where I feel comfortable is that you know that's
when I was in like the darkest part it feels like of my healing where I was really trying to
start processing the perpetration and like the ritual use the butcher stuff you know like
early like core events like that were very you know just where I was subjected to the worst things
when I was like four when I first moved to to Texas subjected to the worst things myself that
were meant to imprint you know this internal prison but also just like witnessing you know
horrible things you know children being ripped apart by dogs or you know set on fire or
you know killed with acid or you know one of the most the biggest things for me was
was being left in like the cell that I would go back to in between these events for that time period
you know had like a small child in in a cage that was identical to mine but that had that
had passed away was like a rotting corpse and you could tell they had passed away from like
starvation and everything and you know just understanding you know how like you know
abandoned and just you know just sat you know the starvation is one thing but then also just be
like left a lot left a rot you know like and that was always like a very core memory for me
and when I was dealing with like a lot of these aspects of my healing and everything like I
experienced a lot anger towards God you know towards towards you know towards God I remember
I was dealing with a lot of this like this vision you know whatever that I want to share
you know in church actually you know because I was healing that was part of my healing is
I had to I had to heal my relationship with Jesus you know it had been someone that had
been weaponized against me as a child and it was it was an aspect you know I had a very strong
faith in general but you know it was an aspect that I needed to get through to really heal
and at that time you know it's like and just seeing you know Jesus himself you know on the
on the cross and being you know and there was just a lot anger in me like why is any of this
even possible like why why is evil allowed to exist to this this degree you know why was
I allowed to go through this why was you know any of the victims allowed to go through this
you know and there was just like this like really overwhelming like anger that I had you
know and I just was like praying for understanding basically and like what I was given was kind of
like this vision from before I was born essentially and and I I believe in reincarnation this is
kind of like part of like my story and my understanding of things is that I was able
to see that like I had I was basically able to see like where I was at before I was incarnated
in this life and I was I was essentially in the hell realm you know is like I was um I was
you know fire brimstone on a torture table being tortured by a demon essentially like
and I was given this vision of like how I had gotten there basically that I had had multiple
incarnations multiple lives where I essentially like each one I had turned further away from God
further away from good had you know it started with just self-serving but then essentially it's
like each lifetime I had kind of like further turned away from that and more solidified
myself into this identity that the last lifetime that got me there was essentially me being exactly
like my abusers you know being a complete a complete you know evil psychopath you know um and
seeing basically that when I was on that torture table that point and in that mindset I was just mad
you know it was the anger I was like I don't deserve to be here like all I could think about was all
the pain I was going through because I was being tortured by this demon and I was just like I don't
deserve this I shouldn't be here you know I was just hey anger and hatred towards God or
towards whatever it was you know that I was there in that position experiencing so much pain for
time on unending and because I was in that psychopathic mindset I didn't see any reason
for me to be there experiencing that basically and there was like this moment that I was like
laying there and I was just dealing with the anger and dealing with the pain and dealing with
all that kind of stuff and there was just this little moment where all of a sudden it's
like I have this glimpse of my life you know of a psychopath before I had ended up died and ended
up in hell essentially and that glimpse of my life was actually a child that I had abused it I was
in India basically and there was this little boy that you know was probably like maybe five or six
years old that um I had I had molested you know I had been a pedophile and I had molested this
little boy and it's like I just got this very clear image of him and almost like seeing like this like
flower that was just starting to like bloom and that I was like I had taken that flower that was
just about to like really sprout and come into his blossom and I had just like plucked it you
know I had just just grabbed it and just you know for my own needs my own satisfaction you know
I had just destroyed this kid's life and I just saw like all these like ripples of like his
whole life of all of the pain that had like that had occurred in his life because of what I had done
to him and then I saw these ripples of like all of the pain that he had caused in other people's
lives because of what I had done to him it was like this you know this full experience of like
karma and how you know how these negative deeds had you know affected so many different people
negatively and I just remember in that moment that I suddenly you know it was that first time that in
you know however long I had been in hell it felt like eons you know in that moment I didn't it
was the first moment I hadn't thought of myself it was like the first moment that I was like I
stopped thinking about my own suffering and my own you know like I don't deserve to be here
and not like it's it just wasn't there and all I was thinking about was this child's suffering
and all the suffering that had come that hadn't come from it essentially and it was like in that
moment like in that moment it was like I then it was like the damn broke and it was like I
I stopped thinking about myself I thought about him and then I thought about all my victims
through multiple lifetimes and really the whole reason that I was there to begin with you know
and in that moment I felt like I like cried out to God you know I cried out to goodness I cried out
to the it was like it was this like it was not crying to save myself but just like something
to make amends for all of the pain is like it was overwhelming all of this pain that I had
caused other people and I wish just like if there's some power out there that can do
something to alleviate their pain this is like this is the only story that really gets me every
time um if there is something out there you know that can help alleviate all of this pain that
I caused you know I was just so heartbroken you know finally seeing my life through God's
eyes you know what I mean and I was just like you know I just cried out you know
was just for this help to be like if there's anything that we can do you know any power
out there that can stop all of this suffering that I was the cause of like please like let it you
know like let there be something to help them to save them etc you know and um and it was like
in that moment it was almost like I was like astraly just taken out of you know my body
in in hell essentially and was like in this just like you know un uncharacterized just like
light land with this with this entity you know I mean it feels like he embodies Jesus you know
and embody like Buddha God you know whatever you want to say um and I felt like I was there
with him and I was just begging him to you know create some you know some you know do something
to fix you know to heal all the pain that I had caused and basically I feel like what he presented
me with was this life this incarnation that I have now you know and that he basically was like
do you really want to help you know in the way that you that you're saying and I was like yes
it was like and it wasn't just like a tearful yes it was like a joyful yes it was just so much
relief that there was something that I could do to help make amends for all of this you know
and I was like yes anything just like really anything it was like a level of excitement just like
you know and you know feeling that presence and everything um and basically that's what I was
what I was shown and told was like you know that you're you're going to incarnate in
the life that I have now to my psychopathic father that I had to my mom you know who's
actually been an ally and healing and everything like you're going to be incarnated in this place
you're going to go through all of this torture you're going to go through all of this but you're
doing it for two reasons for one because by me taking on that mantle I meant that another soul
wasn't going to be born into that life and then for two it meant that from like a bigger picture
thing is kind of like you were saying what made me bring this story up is that you know that
I was being sent in to be born behind enemy lines so that I could break I could be a break
in that cycle so that I could I could essentially be a warrior sent in to to then you know expose
to talk about this to heal from it and to try and help others heal you know that it was it was
all of this and that basically it's like in that moment I saw all of the torture that I would
go through and be experiencing and everything and basically was it was it was an excited and
willing yes it was like if this is what I need to do like I like there was no hesitation there
that is like that's that's what I sign up for you know what I mean so and it was important to me
to to have this understanding because it gave context you know to all of the stuff I went
through in life but also helped me understand that many of the victims you know that I had
seen that I was so angry about and everything that on a certain level that they had incarnated into
their lives with that choice as well to be you know to be you know part of you know what was
moving us towards this like ultimate exposure and end of all of this evil that's occurred for so
long you know and that you know just like I was being you know held by the father through all
of this it's like also they were too and so it's like I essentially like had to go back to hell
until it was my time to incarnate but at that point there was like no more pain it's like
I was there I was existing but there was like no there there I wasn't feeling the torture that
was occurring to my body in any of that and it's like a short time later it's like I was
like you know it's like I was just like blipped out of there and brought to you know be born
on earth in the body that I have now essentially and then one of my favorite things about the vision
though was just the fact that it was like as I was like leaving and the and like the the uh
the demon was like realizing that there was no one on his torture table anymore it's almost like
he like looked at like the I think he had like a flail in his hand at the time it's like he
looked at it and it was almost like why am I doing this you know it was almost like it was
almost like this like contagion like a positive contagion where it's like because I was leaving
for a positive thing it was almost like the demon that had been torturing me had also had this little
moment of clarity you know this little moment of like being like like well like why am I doing this
you know do I want to be doing this so and I and I did experience you know through my life
you know a couple of times where it was near-death experiences
um where it's almost like it felt like God checked in with me again you know it's like it's
like it was a near-death experience that I had when I was um when I was uh six in uh Washington DC
that I had it was at the end of all of his training in Texas where I quote unquote graduated you
know and was you know my dad and uh Gates and then my beta trainer and his daughter
would also be handled we all flew to to Washington DC for a party and a ritual and stuff and
you know he my dad went to party for the few days a couple days that we were there and I was left
alone in a hotel room with Gates and at a certain point it's like he you know he damaged me too
bad and I had to get you know I had near-death experience and had to get rushed to a hospital
and everything like that and um and it was that was like another time where it's like it was
it was almost like God checking in with me you know and it's like being back in that space
back with him and being like do you still do you still want this you know are you still
willing to play this role are you still willing you can come with me right now you know or you
can still like like have the duty because that's the thing like it's it's all about
you know God is not interested in using unwilling people you know it's only it's only about
people that are that are willing you know that are consenting to this stuff you know and it was
like and in that moment I was like yeah you know it's like it's been horrible but I still have a job
to do you know so send me back in you know so it's just in your death experience not an actual
death experience you know and there were you know a couple times in my life where it's like you
know things are are bad and you're brought to this other place and it's almost like a check-in to
be like you know to give you some refuge some rest but also yes and a reminder of that love but
also just to be like you know do you still want to play this role and for me every time though is
yeah you know it's like if that's what that's what I'm here for is like I'll I'll see it through
you know to whatever end that is basically yeah wow that's a beautiful and powerful story thank
you for being vulnerable enough to share that that's I could see you know what it you know how hard it
was on a level to share that so and I 100% share that experience every time I was at that near death
experience point I would be if it was kind of like a little break a little rest and I would
always be offered the chance to you know like you don't have to go back if you don't want to
but when you're there you see the bigger picture exactly the love the love that we have for
you know we're all interconnected so I it was that love for the planet earth the being
you know Gaia or whatever we call her the love for humanity of the animals of the trees and
just the bigger picture right is like well yeah that's I'll go back and you know that's what being
truly spiritual is we're spiritual warriors and you know the satan has created the new age movement
to trivialize that and it's all like oh butterflies and you know if you if you own on a mountain
top or you you know do a sound bath or you wear certain robes or burn incense no okay what
being really spiritual is is being willing to look at the bigger picture and to do what's
necessary for the good of everyone which is ultimately the good for ourselves as well right so
I think that's really beautifully said and you know I've had moments in my humanist too where
I've been like wtf god you know like come on this is ridiculous but today I've kind of come to the
understanding you know it's just like darkness is just the absence of light okay if you strike a
match in a dark room it's all suddenly illuminated and so there we have this free will choice
but and here there's a lot I mean I have to say the game is pretty great you know the dark
has really seized control but even there it's it's like it's it's a choice and they have manipulated
people into making the wrong choice through all the stuff I described before but it's still a free will
choice you know so I will say to people who fly those airplanes that spray us with chemtrails or
the the workers in their hazmat suits who are dumping fluoride into the water
or the people who work for the scientists who are devising horrible technologies that harm
all life on the planet or the doctors who are given bonuses to inject tiny children newborns with
deadly toxic products or the teachers who are helping the you know like you said they want
their lifestyle normalized and right now they're trying to normalize pedophilia so if you're
going along with that program and you're actually indoctrinating children because the school curriculum
curriculum says you need to you know that's us humans making that choice okay so then
yeah the hell on earth will continue because we're making choices and they do they have people
backed into a corner with it with a paycheck or with fear of of harm or death or whatever but
yeah but on the other hand it's us when we make a different choice and I think that's why
to come full circle that's why it's so important that you and I both talk and share our story
because when people can make a different choice and see what the true reality is
we could in an instant I think be on a different dimensional planet where there is no violence
and darkness and hell on earth but that's the kind of the gift from the creator is that free will
choice so it's not god that's doing this it's the choices that we're making as a collective
and in that story you told you made a very different choice in that moment and I think
those choices ripple across space and time you know time's kind of artificial construct
anyway it changes so much so every good person that does every good act from love you know they
hate that we still have love anytime we do a good thing even a small good thing you know
I don't know somebody drops their wallet and you're walking behind and means hey hey you
can give it back or you help an elderly person cross the street or you feed a hungry dog I mean
all these acts of love and kindness are actually rippling through the quantum field and changing
reality shifting it out of this hell on earth so what if we so my message for everyone is
choose the moral thing you know choose love choose life don't participate in this satanic system
that they want you because without us they can't do it and we have the ability to change that and
so that's my message of hope it's it's actually the the power to change this completely lies within
each and every one of us right so we've been talking for a couple of hours so why don't we
kind of wrap it up but so give people your final thoughts you know like anything you want hope
solutions any message that you want to leave our our audience with
I guess mainly if you're an ally of you know just you know you're in the position of not
having experienced this kind of abuse but are trying to educate yourself I just want to say thank
you you know like that there's way more of you guys out there than there is of like us that
have been you know thoroughly trauma programmed but this is you know this is how we make change you
know and we'll continue to kind of win the war against these psychopaths as people that are
willing to look at the darkness and and take it on so thank you and you know keep keep learning
and educating yourself and being bold and being able to like share what you understand and know
with with people in your life you know and people that maybe themselves are skeptical of this kind
of stuff and if you're a survivor of this it's I I just I always hope to impart some validation by
sharing my story but also a sense of hope you know that like if I can heal having you know done
like the worst imaginable stuff you know being you know trained and forced through like ritual
abuse of mind control to to do such heinous things and I still come to a place of self-forgiveness
you know I'm still convinced you know the shame barrier is like one of the main ones that we
need to overcome as survivors to be able to heal and that's kind of like what I try and do
is to let people know you know that it's possible that you know there are
no parts of yourself that are irredeemable you know they can present as demons they can present
you know is you know our self-conception of as evil etc but we have to understand that that
if you're here and you're healing and you're willing to ask the questions it may not feel
like you can handle it but you can you know just take things at your own pace and just
have an honest and open mind and understand that you know even your worst parts all the
perpetrator parts all the bullies and the you know ones that have perpetrated on innocence on the
outside and everything that they were they were all they are all little kids you know and that we
need to we need to just hold a space of like love and compassion and fostering like understanding
and communication basically and despite how traumatizing flashbacks and all of this
stuff can be internal punishment and external stuff is that it is it is possible to get
to a place where you can work through it and on the other side of that very difficult struggle
is a life that is going to feel more whole and more happy and you know less
less burdened by pain and shame than you can ever imagine you know so just to encourage you
know encourage any survivor out there that no matter what kind of place you feel like you're
that it can get better you know never never to make a you know go for a permanent solution when it
comes to suicidality or losing yourself in addiction it's it's you know it's possible to heal and
if you're here you're already on that path that's going to get you to a place of happiness
that's what my channel's about you know is just trying to help people with baby steps
to understand what they went through and how to like you know how a place of compassion for
themselves and to and and to come to a place of healing yeah thank you so much and tell people
and i'll put any links you send me in the description but tell people where they can
find your channel yeah so right now i only have it in one place which i'm hoping to change because
you know youtube is horrible with censorship and everything but right now that's the only place
that i for sure have my own channel which is just focused on healing it's not going to get into
really triggering explicit explanations of like trauma events that i went through
so i just encourage everyone to to check that out you know it's a very like gentle
meant for your child parts kind of um kind of channel that i try and have to really help people
conceptualize this um it's called desert dakini um a survivor's perspective or you can just
search um at carry olahe and you'll it'll get you there to my personal channel and and then
i just to direct people you know also to the other podcasts that i've been um i've been on
mainly the imagination well with emma you know it's it's been kind of like my
home podcast the first one i had my testimony on and everything and if anyone wants to know
you know more about my story it's the best place to send them to um or or wake the dead
with sean mccann because um they're ones i've been on many times you know so it's you know
if you want a more complete idea of like the timeline or you feel validation from my
testimony those are places that you can go to to um to um to understand more
okay cool well i feel like we could talk from many more hours on many more things so maybe
we should do that we should do number three at some point but i think we covered some really
like amazing um topics here today so thank you so much and for being you know like i said for
willing for being willing to be vulnerable and share about you know really difficult
things um you're an inspiration um thank you for everything you do out there and for
putting yourself out there um and i guess i will leave it until number three so we'll just
see each other then same for you max so you're you're an amazing inspiration thank you again